Wanna Make a Racist Mad?
As we near the end of 2020, you may be looking for something to do to end your year with a good laugh as you deck the halls. I got you!
Here’s a not-so scientific list of things that are guaranteed to get under the skin of the most milquetoast of racists. A great time had by all!
1.Call them racist. They could be draped in Klan garb with a noose in one hand and a copy of Mein Kampf in the other, and they’ll be foaming at the mouth mad at the slightest question of their moral character.
2. Blacken their idols. Mention that anyone that they might love or hold dear could ever be Black. Jesus? They’ll dispute the very words in the Bible they’re holding to hold on to the Bee Gees/Jared Leto version of the Messiah. And they’ll go on full tirades if you suggest that the stranger who slides down chimneys and leaves socks inside stockings (redundant) might be a little darker than the typical mall version.
But I’ll take the word of Akim and Teddy before that of Megyn Kelly any day.
3. Say reparations. They become the staunchest fiscal conservatives — wondering where all of that money is going to come from. Unfathomable is it that it would come from where all the other money come from — trees.
4. Be Black. It doesn’t really matter what variety of Black you are. It’s like me and raccoons. I hate anything to do with those foul beasts. I hate raccoons so much that I make sure I don’t sell out for the approval of white folks out of fear of being labeled shortened version of those dumpster divers.
5. Black Lives Matter. They hear those three words as the omnipotent voice from Mortal Kombat yelling “Finish Him!” To them, an utterance of that phrase sounds like we are calling for the immediate cease of mayonnaise production and a mandatory Wobble test for all elections. This most benign of phrases bring up references of George Soros and Communism usually accompanied with the strangely obvious but hypocritical, “No! All lives matter!,” spat with foam and frown and fist.
6. Talk about racism. Apparently, the only thing more racist than being a racist is talking about the existence of racism. They’ll justify tiki torches. They’ll find ways to make police brutality seem okay. But if you mention the country’s brutal history of oppression and current systems that perpetuate racism, then you’re the one keeping racism alive. Apparently, pulling the race card is the Big Joker we all have but don’t know how to effectively use.
7. Say “no”. Apparently, racists are allergic to not being allowed to doing things. That goes for everything from cultural appropriation, touching a Black person’s hair or walking mask-less into a store during a global pandemic.
Telling these folks “no” brings out classics like “reverse racism” or “if you didn’t want us to say it, why put it in a song?”and a lot of “what abouts?” To borrow the whitest phrase I know, that really “frosts their asses.”
8. Again, call them racist. Nothing makes a racist more angry than being called a racist. It’s like their version of “don’t talk about my mama,” except that my mother didn’t have a third leg that she used as a kickstand, but they spout justifications for police murders of Black people and scream dumb shit. See #5.
Honorable mentions: date their daughter, change the name of the Washington football team, talk about removing statues of white supremacists or mock the blandness of their food.
There you go. Now, go out and make Malcolm proud.